Top Signs You're a New Yorker

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
the borough of Manhattan.


2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire
State Building, but love Coney Island.


3. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.


4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.


5. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price to be
charged without a gun held to your head.


6. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple."


7. Your door has more than three locks.


8. Your favorite movie has DeNiro and Pacino in it.


9. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.


10. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

11. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.


12. You complain about having to mow it.


13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".


14. You think Central Park is "nature."


15. You're paying $1100 a month for a studio the size of a
walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."


16. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.


17. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in
the U.S. pay in rent.


18. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky
since you went away to camp as a kid.


19. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.


20. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.


21. You actually take fashion seriously.


22. Being truly alone makes you nervous.


23. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.


24. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip."


25. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.


26. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.


27. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving
with the turkey.


28. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.


29. Fifty dollars worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

30. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.


31. You don't hear sirens anymore.


32. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
quality and what it's doing to your lungs.


33. You live in a building with a larger population than most
American towns.


34. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Mexican,
your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek,
the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was
Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy
is Egyptian.


35. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else-until you get married.

36. You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

37. The rurals scare you.

38.  You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.

39. There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown. If you're really from
New York, you have absolutely no concept of where North and South are.

40. You cross the street anywhere but on the corners yelling
at the cars for not respecting the fact.

41. You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language 
and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

42. You return after 10 years and the 
first foods you want are a "real" pizza and "real" bagel.

43. You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.

44. You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being 
would be able to actually understand a P.A. announcement on the subway.

45. You know who Dr. Z is.

46. You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the
4 major food groups: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.

47. You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you 
can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.

48. Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

49. You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the road 
having a perfectly normal conversation with her self.

50. You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas.

51. The presidential visit is a major traffic jam. Not an honor.

52. Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. 
(They take up all the parking spaces!)

53. You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.

54. The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer.

55. You know that the plural form of you is youse. Of course it is!

56. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

57.  The subway makes sense.

58. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

59.  You consider a cab ride more exciting, fun and scary at the same time 
than any rollercoaster ride you're ever been on.

NEW YORKER

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"